Ayumi Hamasaki's TeamAyu Diary, Oct. 7-10, 2009

Whew, okay, where to start with introductory notes on this one...

The first entry is just your typical ayu-being-cute entry, but then, the one-year anniversary of a friend's death comes along. Ayu has reposted her writings from the time of his death, so I had to do some re-translating of messages done ages ago. I think I did better this time, for those who remember the few translations I tried to do back then.

Again, my Japanese (while better than it was a year ago) is NOT that great, and these are examples of entries I want to get right. So, if you are FLUENT in Japanese, please comment if you'd like to correct any parts of these translations.

Please link here if you'd like to share the translations and do not repost them. Thank you.


7 October 2009 10:27 PM

I got alot of them, so I came by for a sec~.
I wore this when returning home from Fukuoka Airport. It's a hat with gray stars on it that you can get from Toco Pacific*.☆
It comes in different colors, I have a red one too.☆
The T-shirt is a Lafine & Tocopaci collaboration tee.☆

I digress, but most recently I got this really hot strap through my connection to Tocopaci.

I think you can order it from Tocopaci.
Chonsan's appearance has been way too much about cuteness lately, but I just gotta use Pinky here.
That right there, when I couldn't find it when I was looking for it, it was like I beaten down by rain all day. (I'm serious! lol)
I STILL can't find it!!
Anyway, I have to get back to work. Booooo.
When I have time, I'll upload lots more photos & fashion checks for you though~!!!!!!!!

*She abbreviates this as "TOKOPASHI" the whole entry, so I put Tocopaci there for the rest of the entry. :)

One Year Ago
9 October 2009 4:11 PM

A year ago today, at this time, I wrote and posted this entry.
Everyone please look at the sky for a little while, remember that day, and think of him.

[270] Thank you.
9 October 2008 (Thurs) 3:59 PM
Everyone, for gladly giving me the thing I wished for, I thank you.
And, for sending so many messages to him, thank you.
About one hour ago, his long, long fight ended.
I don't know how to put it into comprehensible words now, but I do think I need to say it to everyone, so here I am.
All of everyone's kind thoughts have been sent to his family.
I'm sure he'll be able to read them up in Heaven.

In Those Days
9 October 2009 4:33 PM

I'm posting what I wrote back then.
Our red bracelets shine on our arms even today.
Right, Tsuriko?

[267] Just now,
8 October 2008 (Wed) 12:16 AM

I recieved contact from a friend of mine who is fighting a battle at the end of his life.
Around this time last year, he suddenly struck ill and learned that he only had a short time to live, but he crossed over from despair to hope and has been constantly fighting since then.
And everyone in his family, just as he has, have changed in the days since, living with patience and strength.

The last day I saw him was April 8th.
There was not a single strand left of his long hair, and his body had become so very thin, but he told the hospital no, and went to Yoyogi together with his mother.
He frantically did his best to be cordial to everyone, all the while taking care of his mother, and when he saw me, he gave me a hug, sobbed loudly, and then said "I'm doing my best," and returned to his usual smiling face.

So much has happened since then.

So, I've fought to "do my best" for the last ten minutes, but everything inside me is so messed up.

I, him, and one other friend, the three of us together all wear red bracelets that are shining on our arms even now, and that third friend has been informed.
She's by his side right now.
As for me... I think it's best for him to be in a peaceful environment, and I'm pretty sure his family wants that for him too, so I'm not there.

In such times, to be completely honest, I become very unpleasant to be around.

But the bracelet I'm wearing right now will shine on my arm for a long time!!!!!

I'm sorry for being like this today...

"Surely I am walking and I am smiling and I am breathing
Even having innocent conversation
Naturally I thought it would continue this way."*

[268] Yesterday
8 October 2008 (Wed) 7:46 PM

After what I posted, ever since, and even now too, messages from everyone have continued to come in.
I think that I'm definitely becoming as strong as him thanks to all of your messages.

But he is still fighting at the moment.
The fact that he's able to is a miracle.
The harshest part is that he's had to show us this miracle with his own body.

I'm thinking very clearly right now. As I am right now, I am an able person.
Because I have been given the gift of existence, there are things I can do.

Please, tonight, pray for a miracle to happen between today and tomorrow.

For thinking of him tomorrow, you have my gratitude.

Thank you all.

[269] Please
9 October 2008 (Thurs) 2:58 AM

I've come back to ask something of all of you.

The amount of messages from everyone is so huge, they're all packed with so much power, I think I'd like to deliver them all to him.
But given the circumstances, everyone has written so much that it's not really possible to make copies.

Would it be a good idea for me to take the messages that we're collecting over to him?
Tomorrow and the day after, keep writing messages as long as you can keep sending your power, as long as he keeps fighting, and I will deliver it.

Please let me know what you think, everyone.

After this, I wrote the entry I posted here earlier.
Everyone was so kind as to send an inumerable amount of messages back then. Right about now, I think he's probably reading them again.
Perhaps he is smiling calmly.

*Lyrics from "Life".

9 October 2009 5:14 PM

These are my last writings from that time.
At the end, there is a new beginning.

[271] Tomorrow
11 October 2008 (Sat) 1:04 AM

In the morning, I'll print out everyone's messages, and I'll carry them to him.
As for me, right now, I'm one with all of you, and I have the same wish, and I'm able to continue praying, and I truly have so much gratitude for all my comrades in TA, and I've cried time and time again.
Although we couldn't possibly explain them well, our feelings can be heard if we use our words.
I think we're definitely all connected.
He is connected to me, to us all, and he's taught us one thing.
Let's all go together, treating each and every moment as a precious gift. Let's walk at the same speed.
Let's live, putting our whole hearts into surviving.

[272] As promised

12 October 2008 (Sun) 5:00 AM

I went to deliver all of your messages!

Once I actually printed them out, it was a huge stack, and I took them to his mother, and she burst into tears the moment she saw them. She said she felt so fortunate.
For saying so many precious things to him, she said she was "truly grateful..." to me and to all of you.

Afterwards, she placed them with him, together with some flowers.

This morning, his mother told me that at the very end, he apparently said to her, "I want to listen to 'Life'." He couldn't breathe properly by then, but he forced off his oxygen mask and said that.
This was so unexpected, I was just a mess hearing it. I don't remember the story clearly, but I was so grateful to hear this.
A song I had made.
It's a song inside me, my own, and there is evidence that he lived, thanks to him saying that.

And then, even while I was sleeping, KAZ printed out everyone in TA's messages, and I truly thank him. It was enormous work, but, in order for me to deliver everyone's thoughts without fail, he kept working until it was finished, and so I was able to tell him, "I'm so relieved!!"...
TA is really the best.

And... all of us here have to keep walking forward, and our thoughts are pointed towards Shanghai.
During this trip to Shanghai, of course we're doing a concert there, and we're filming the PV for the new song I mentioned before, "GREEN."
Peco & Zin are doing the choreography.
Me & my dancers are getting into our fighting spirit, like dancing warriors.
This will be one more extremely wonderful piece of work to remember, so I'm really looking forward to it.

I want to share something with everyone again.

Please look forward to it.

Let's wholeheartedly raise our heads and keep going. Alright!!!

Some time ago...
10 October 2009 3:29 AM

I couldn't stop the outpour of emotion, and I did all those successive updates...
But, unexpectedly, there are alot of people who recently became members of TA, I have discovered, and important things were taught, and "Thank You" was said.
The ring of members of TA has rapidly increased over the course of this year, in a blink of the eye it's grown, and I think we've become connected in a very strong, deep way.
This makes me somehow so happy.
After those posts, some people, worrying about me, sent me messages, but I am completely okay!!!!
I'm smiling with all my heart.
I'm crying with all my heart.
I'm living with all my heart.
You know?
Yesterday, I went to the same place as when I went drinking together with Bacchi for the first time.
I was working for all the time we were friends, and in my private life, we went on trips together, but even after all those years, I never forgot the first place Bacchi and I went to.
Cuz at that time, there was alot of tension, and I didn't really get it at the time, but then when we were talking, facing each other, I was sitting there and that guy threw up on me. lol
I think he said "I like yoooouuu~". No, I'm serious.
Aw man, he just rolled on the floor laughing.
Well, my clothes and shoes were stained with vomit though.
Bacchi, of course, stunk of of vomit and it would not go away.
When I remember this sort of thing, I'm not immersed in sadness, and even yesterday I was smiling quite a bit.
I remember how I envied Bacchi, and I smile.
And Bacchi is smiling too, absolutely.
He's doing fine, I know it. We're doing fine, smiling together.
He's saying stuff like "Look at you, writing this stuff~", even now digging into me like that, I know it. He was always cute & cool like that.
But to everyone in TA who comes here, it wasn't painful. If there's someone out there who wants to escape, who wants to throw it all away, how about thinking of it this way.
The today that YOU feel like you want to abandon is the tomorrow that someone elsewhere didn't give up on.
The today that YOU feel has defeated you is the tomorrow that someone elsewhere fought to defeat.
Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts, so I couldn't tell you if they're correct or incorrect.
But I know this for sure. You are not alone. There's no reason to be afraid. Because I'm here.
Even if all you want is to give up, I'm not letting go of your hand.
And even if all you want is to give up, I'm confident that with courage, you can fix whatever's happened.

It's alright.